[Callmecrazy]

I have been a compulsive slot player for more than 12 years. I am at rock bottom. I lost my parents in January. My mother to dementia, my father because he felt like it. (I guess). He died on the morning of her funeral of pneumonia. He was hospitalized, a few hours later he died. He was verbally and psychologically abusive. I lost my job in November. I couldn’t cope with additional work and having to take care of my mother and my father. I was alone, without help. My whole life is a cycle of abuse. No one ever cared for me, I was always being exploited either at work (got triple the amount of work) or at home. I’m single and alone. The little savings I had went into paying both my parents funerals. My sister didn’t volunteer.
I repeat this familiar traumatizing cycle by traumatizing myself further through gambling. I feel slightly suicidal. I inherited some property, I’m pennyless, however not broke. I should be able to continue living but I’m severly depressed and demotivated.

[Callmecrazy]

Felt horrible yesterday. I hope today for a less anxious day. One day at a time.

[Callmecrazy]

Just got a tutoring gig for today. I’ll make 30 euros. I’ll deposit the money into my overdrafted account as soon as I recieve it. I also self-excluded from my online gambling account yesterday. I still feel overwhelmed, desperate, depressed and burned out. I also feel paralyzed.

I have never been the type of person to not think ahead. This makes living a day at a time very anxiety provoking. But there is nothing I can do. I must think of only today and have hope.

[Callmecrazy]

It’s 9 pm, I made it through the day and pocketed some money. I still feel awful and depressed. My mother passed this January and so did my father. I lost my job after 18.5 years of hard work. I have nobody and nobody ever offered to help me. It was always me taking care of other people’s needs. Now I’m alone. I’m so used to no one ever caring. I can’t say I’m a wasted life since I did care for my mother with dementia till her dying breath and my father who wasn’t the easiest and best of people.
I’m not gambling and have no wish to. I self-excluded, so I wouldn’t be able to either.
My wish for tomorrow is for God to lead me out of this mental state I’m in, to give me the energy and motivation I need to start job hunting and to fill me with hope.
Dear God, give me the strenght to send out a few resumes tomorrow. That’s all I ask.

[Callmecrazy]

Was able to sleep only 6 hours. Good thing is I got another tutoring gig for today and will make 45 euros if all goes well. I am extremely anxious. Tonight I am having reoccuring thoughts of the wickedness of my sister with whom I now share property. I have cut all contact and do not wish to have her in my life. Unfortunately, I now share inheritence issues with her. She would love to know about my problem and she already has some insight into it. Back in the days when I didn’t fully understand my father and who he was, I made the mistake of coming to him for help and support. Turns out he told every neighbour. In my immediate family, which now includes two other living cousins and an aunt, I was the youngest and a late child. I never got to be the baby of the family, rather, I became the one to fix everyone’s problems. Somewhere down the line, I broke and became a compulsive gambler. Should I have told everyone “no”? Yes, but I was too young to know better. I’m sharing my thoughts because I blame myself and am unable to treat myself with kidness. The fact of the matter was, I had an abusive father, and a mother that needed protection. I couldn’t bare to leave her at his mercy, so I stayed in a shitty job, lived on the third floor of my parent’s house and spent my free time being hyper-intunned and hyper-vigilant to every sound should I hear some type of commotion downstairs or a full blown rage attack that I needed to come down and resolve. For someone going through this day in day out, I would have sympath and gentleness. But not for myself.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m going to try to get some sleep now, so I can excel at my tutoring job and earn the 45 euros. I had 30 come in yesterday, have 45 planned for today and 35 euros for tomorrow. 110 euros in three days is not bad. I trust God will provide. With this thought, I’m going to try and sleep now.

[Callmecrazy]

Another day of extreme worry, fatigue and demotivation. I don’t understand myself, I’m pennyless but my assets are worth 10 x my debt. Still, I’m paralyzed with worry! It’s worry, dread, worry, dread…all day, all night!

[rami92]

I understand.
There’s a long way to go.
We must walk through and without looking back (easier said than done).
Anxiety levels are decreasing little by little. They will flourish in the most uncomfortable hours. Not letting them completely dominate you will be a challenging task.
A few hours ago I was not knowing where to put myself, what to do. Now at least I can “rationalize” what happened.

[Callmecrazy]

Yes, I’m on a very long and narrow road.
Today is my day 3 of being gamble free. I heard someone once say “if you can make it 3 days, you can make it 14 days, and if you can make it 14 days, you can make it 28, and if you can make it 28, you can make it a year.” So…kudos to me to for day 3, I guess.
Unfortunately, my anxiety is insane but I made 45 euros today and immediately deposited them into my account which is in overdraft. I have the same amount of tutoring jobs lined up for Saturday too, so I will continue to trust in God that he WILL provide for me.

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up feeling slightly better. The antidepressants I’ve been given by my therapist seem to be working. This is my third try with various medication. Started thinking about moving and starting my life anew at a different place and country. Somewhere where there is more sun and less winter. Somewhere less stressful, more friendly and peaceful. That’s a nice thought right now. I’ve inherited assets and I just might be able to pull it off. I’m 44 so still young enough. Meanwhile, I do need cash right now. I do have some tutoring work today and tomorrow. Pray to God there will be more.

[homie97]

I did gamble with 5000$ in the last 3 months i can’t handle that i lost them all, i even look back and remember that i could have walked away with money but i chose to continue, it is like you are blacked out when you start chasing loses

[Callmecrazy]

The best advice I got concerning losses is to write them off as bad investments. A part of life. Start remembering the event as though you bought a car delearship or a kiosk or anything which you though was going to flourish but instead it went downhill. It’s much easier to let go. It was a buisness transaction that went wrong and that’s all. Forget about it. The money is really the easiest thing to let go of. It’s the escapism and changing the way we handle anxiety, sensitivity, worry and uncertainty which is the hard part.

My day 4 was slightly better than my previous 3 days. I had lots of feelings of shame and guilt. I don’t know which is worse, when the worry hits or when the shame and guilt hits. I seem to be stuck in these three emotions. I did have a feeling of positivity arise today when thinking of selling some assets and moving location and country.

I also worked today and earned my 35 euros. I work tutoring jobs now. Tomorrow I have 45 euros worth of tutoring work. God is obviously providing for me, I thank him for it and, please God, don’t stop and forget about me.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi
I get what you are saying completely. We have to write the money off as if it was a bad investment.
The way I am trying to look at it is that I spent all my money on a big trip away. The trip was a real disappointment, I saw some crazy stuff but I learnt things about myself. Now I have come back and have to rebuild things. But to be much better than I was before.
I am on day 26, similar to you I flip between worry about how to manage still and feelings of frustration, anger, remorse, stupidity of why, why, why?
Now I have built up a bit of money in my account again but I know that has to see me through to pay the essentials. In time I can have a good life, but it must be gamble free.
Things can get worse if we continue to gamble. There is a better life out there. Looking at the reasons why we gambled is a big thing and replacing those thoughts, urges etc.
For me I am trying to involve myself in former interests and some new ones, trying to expand my social activity.
I think I gambled for differing reasons. Firstly out of boredom, seeking some excitement, maybe frustration at things that had happened during the day, feelings of little self worth. Secondly and the more devastating was chasing losses.
So now I am trying to do things to improve how I feel about myself. Fitness activities again, eating better again and cutting right back on drinking and smoking. I am engaging in learning a new language to try occupy my mind.
We can rebuild things, we can actually be a better version of ourselves in time, but only if we stay gamble free.
Best wishes, stay positive that this can be done.

[Callmecrazy]

Feel awful today. The stress, worry and anxiety is too much for me. Looking back, this is how I always thought I would end up. Being the youngest and having two difficult parents whose apsurd emotional needs I always had to cater to whilst no one ever cared for me, I’m not sure I ever stood a chance. If I wasn’t such a sensitive child and now a sensitive adult, things could have been different for me. I might have had enough ego and self-care to break off and become something. I might have had enough love for myself to find a partner and enough love for myself to say “no” to gambling. I feel so horrible today and want to die. I’m a person who worries way too much. Even if down the rabbit whole, no one should worry so much. So what if my creditors call me tomorrow? So what if I can’t make their payments? Why must I worry so much??

[Callmecrazy]

End od day 6. I have no desire to gamble whatsoever. My only desire is to live a normal life but I’m afraid it might be too late. I’m so messed up right now. Feeling very inadequate and worthless. I pray that God gives me a better day tomorrow. That I find feelings of hope and positivity and the motivation and energy to seek a new job.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 7.
Dealing with a ton of anxiety. Have been trying to rest a bit but can’t. Both my friend and my therapist keep on telling me I have a lot happening at once and that “all this too shall pass”.

[Callmecrazy]

End of day 8
Woke up today immediately anxious but then decided to nip my anxiety in the bud. I got out of bed and worked on updating my resume the entire day. Worked three tutoring lessons too. Earned 30 euros. Even went for a haircut, an action long overdue. In all, I spent a full day working. Need to finish updating my resume tomorrow and start sending it out. Also need to keep my focus on finding a job. Focusing on the goal is the key. Stay focused, focused, focused! I thought about asking a friend to lend me some money, but feel bad about that, so I didn’t do it. I don’t owe friends any money, never borrowed from anyone. Now I am going to rest, giving my worries to God and asking him to provide for me until I get back on my feet. One day at a time is all I got.

[Callmecrazy]

As it turns out, I’m not yet ready to give in without a fight. Worked all day today updating my resume, applied for two jobs. Feeling more energetic and hopeful. I must stay focused with my mind on the goal. Something must open up for me. I have been used and misused so much throught my life by my family and previous workplace, I trust God will work some miracle for me.
Day 9, had no urges to gamble, did think about slot machines once.
I believe, I must go through this rough period as not to gamble ever again.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Callmecrazy.

[Callmecrazy]

End of day 11. A little depressed and anxious today, but stayed productive. Earned 30 euros and got in touch with a job recruiter. Feel kind of bad that I might need to work jobs way beneath my education and skill level. I guess every job is an honest job. Unless something else turns up for the summer, the job will only server for money and only for 2-3 months. Tbh, I don’t feel like being pushed around by high school graduduates while 5 years went into my master’s degree and 17 years into work experience. But I have no family and no job and tutoring only goes as far as the end of the school year. I don’t mean to be snobish but there is so much bullying im the workforce right now, and out of experience the more educated I am the more bullied I get.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 13
No gambling. Feeling severely anxious. Got declined for a job application. At least they took the time to answer. I hope I won’t recieve one decline after another. My tutoring job is also in turmoil. All the kids I tutor have the flu or cancelling their lessons for one reason or a another. This is the greatest test I have been through my entire life: no steady job, no savings, both my parents deceased, huge inflation and depression. I have been bullied on my previous workplace, I survived 17 years of it. I couldn’t endure it another day longer so I quit. Fast forwards two months, my parents both died. I now beat myself up for leaving my job. It’s easy to look at the situation from today’s stand point, but at the time I had an ill mother to take care of, an abusive father. I was alone in all of it. I just couldn’t handle any of it anymore. And I gambled for escape, no winnings to lift me up. I crashed and burned out.

[Callmecrazy]

So on my day 14 I relapsed and lost all my bill money. I borrowed the money, I didn’t even earn it. It was my survival money. I will try to sleep now. I don’t think I will be able to make it. I’m depressed day in, day out. Severely anxious and I can’t go on. I wish I was never born.

[Callmecrazy]

So today is my day 1 again. I excluded from the last casino where I could play. A friend loaned me some money today, she came out of the blue. I’m so grateful. Tomorrow, I’m paying all my bills with the money. Hopefully I’ve learned my lesson.
If I could make it 14 days, I can make it 28. Technically my relapse was only 3 hours so I had already put some gamble free time into my recovery.

[Callmecrazy]

Another gamble day gone by. I recieved a tax return today I hadn’t expected. Wow! I couldn’t believe it. Unexpected money. Today I’m gamble free, paid some bills and still have money im my account. It isn’t much but it’s very motivating!

[Callmecrazy]

Checking in three days later…
Still gamble free with some money im my pockets. Largely due to being unable to gamble as I have excluded myself from all online casinos in my country.
Still extremely worried about my future and depressed. I feel like I’m never going to find a new job.

[Callmecrazy]

With the exception of one relapse, today is my day 22 without gambling. A high number for me.
How do I feel? Since I’m without a steady income anxious and afraid but happy the little money I have is not being given away to casino lords. I will never approve of the industry. It’s made to wreck lives and steal money.

[Callmecrazy]

Wow, two days since my last post! I’m pleased to say I’m feeling slightly better. The reason is I haven’t been gambling and for the first time in ages have control over my finances. My tutoring job is doing well, I’m pocketing some money. Have 50 to earn tomorrow, another 65 on Saturday and another 60 on Monday! Doing well!

[Callmecrazy]

One relapse but 27 days free of gambling.
Still feeling low due to other stressors in life. Feel a little less anxious.

[Callmecrazy]

29 days…

[Callmecrazy]

Another 10 days gamble free.

[CraigMac6]

Thanks for sharing your story. Aside from the gambling, I think one of the biggest steps you can take is starting to love yourself. Your life is worth living. You will not always be alone, you will find people that care for you and want to see you do well. However, I truly believe until we love ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness we will never get that love and kindness in return from others.
Maybe you could add in some exercise (if you don’t already) into your daily schedule. That will definitely help with making you feel better both mentally an physically.
Keep it up!

[Callmecrazy]

So I’m back. Very suicidal right now. I sold my apartment and gambled the money away.
Before gambling away my money, I paid off my credit card debts and two large bank loans.

I’m now left with 15 k cash, 20 k debt, a side hustle that earns me some money, severe depression and no job. No immediate family nor partner.

Last night my body gave out on me. I vomited the entire night and woke up in cold sweat fearing what I would do with the remainder of the money I have. I immediately banned myself from the casino, giving up on chasing my huge loss of almost 100k. There is really no way for me to win any of that money back because I continuosly win nothing. Bonus rounds would give me 120 euro max on 3 euro bets, day in , day out.

I find comfort in thoughts of suicide as I have no idea how I’m going to recover from this.

My whole existance and purpose for being brought to this world is meaningless. Perhaps only to serve as an example to others as what not to do, or to make casinos rich.

My plan is to give myself 3 weeks and try to emotionally recover from this, there is no way I’m in the right state of mind to be able to find a job. The trauma is too severe.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Callmecrazy.

[iamhere]

I wish I could give you a hug, and tell you everything is going to be ok. I just want you to know that. Xo

[Dark Energy]

hi Callmecrazy,
suicidal thought are something that 50% of gambling addicts will have, i read it in one of the books about gambling based on certain study but i really doubt this number , personally i think the percentage is much more than that, i remember one of the few GA meetings the i attend online every one who spoke during that session said that he\she had a suicidal thoughts at one point. so firstly having these thoughts is a common thing for the gambling addicts.

2ndly 20% of gambling addict commit suicide. (those who try to kill themselves + those who succeed) . I am bringing these numbers to tell you that what you are feeling is what we all felt at some point and what we feel from time to time so just distract your self from these ideas and this tough period will pass.

personally what helped me during such periods is this “I like to watch my movie tell the End” our life is like a movie you don’t know what will happened tomorrow, just hang on and watch it tell the end, we all gonna die at some point so why the rush, just wait maybe your movie will have a happy end, or a more beautiful experiences and fun moments why leave early, watch it till the end.

another thought that helped me is i used to remember part of a poet by Mahmoud Darwish in it he says “i love my life because if i died i will be ashamed from my mothers tears ” i know the translation is bad but you got the point, think of those who loves you how they will feel.

you can find a lot of reason to live all what i need to say is why the rush, we gonna die at some point but since we are here let us live it.

sorry for being blunt but this is what what keeps me going, I need to watch the movie till the end.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Dark Energy.

[ttmrtn]

I wish I could give you a hug too. We are all the same. After very big 3 relapses I’m now in 59 days gamble-free. I gave my bank accounts to a close friend of mine. He controls everything on there. I still having urge to play but I can not because I don’t have my bank accounts. After my last relapse I thought I’ve tried everything to prevent myself from gambling but it wasn’t like that. Now I’m doing whatever I can do to prevent it and I’m trying to be happy. There is nothing to do for the past. Past is past you can not change it. But you can atleast try to change you future. We are stronger than this addiction and we will defeat it. Don’t give up. You still can change this. Maybe it will take 1 or 2 years but there are so much to live in the future. Just don’t rush. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Hope to find you better in your next post.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi ttmrtn,

Congratulations on your 59 days. If you can make 3 days, you can make it 14 days and if you can make it 14 days you can make it 21 days and if you can make it 21 days, you can make it a year. Keep up the good work!

I have such a hard time letting go of my huge loss, it’s what’s stopping me from putting my barriers in place. It’s not like I was spinning 100 bet spins.

[ttmrtn]

Believe me I can understand you. I was in so much debt in my second relapse. For 9 months I didn’t gamble and paid 2/3 of it. For 9 months I worked in 2 different jobs because 1 salary wasn’t enough to pay my monthly debt. Sometimes I did additional jobs too. It was so tiring and devastating. I was sure that I wouldn’t gamble again but I did. All of the hard work of 9 months faded in just 1 week. Now my debt is the same as 9 months ago. But now I understand that it is not about the debt. It is about mental health. It is about getting back to a normal life, a happy life. With hobbies and doing things that I like to do. Don’t think about the replaceable things like money. You can pay all your debts and start it again and make it even worse than before again. You gotta focus on your recovery. Money always can be earned. But there are things that can’t be replaced. Find those things and don’t lose them. You are not alone in this. I have the same problem and I am trying to deal with it. Just like you.

Losses are really bad and can make you feel very depressed. But again, it is not about the loss. We are trying to get out of something awful. It is an addiction. Our recovery will not be easy. Of course it will take from us somethings. There will be pain. We have so many years ahead of ours. Spend time for your hobbies, for workout, anything that make you feel happy. Focus on the gamble-free future you can have. The things you can buy yourself, places that you can travel, books you can read etc. There is still hope. We can win this fight. Just don’t give up.

[iamhere]

Hi callmecrazy,

It’s been over a day, I just wanted to check in. I’m thinking about you, hope you’re ok ??

[iamhere]

????

[Callmecrazy]

Hi,
I’m still here. Not gambling for a few days now.
My day is absolute misery and feel like I’m never going get my life back together. I have an overwhelming feeling of impending doom lurking inside me every day. At night I drink an anti-anxiety pill that calms me and it’s the only sense of relief I get. Then I watch some YouTube videos that make me happy and provide escapism. I still have enough money to make it a few months to try and put myself together.

I wish I was one of those people that have a solution, the determenation to start working 6 jobs, but I’m not. I feel crippeled.

My topic has been reported for inappropriate content, I’m not sure what I said to offend anyone, but I want to make sure that everyone understands that gambling is the worst thing anyone can get themselves into and I strongly advise against gambling ever. I also don’t think casinos should be legal as they do not live off of so called “responsible gamblers”. They would run out of business immediately. They live off of people like me.

[Author]

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